Many of us were raised to avoid painful endings and goodbyes. Yet the sadness of a “goodbye” is just as important to honor as the joy of a graduation, retirement, or birth. If we can turn toward grief bravely and with compassion, we discover an opportunity for healing the heart and soul.
Many years ago, I served as a team leader and clinical director of a mental health center. One day while finishing my last note for the day, a distress call came in from a client.
“Marilyn!” Rosa exclaimed. “My team just said that after my therapist Julie leaves in a month, she and I can’t ever go out together for a coffee! You’re the clinical director—can’t you bend the rules? My parents died in a car crash when I was seven; my boyfriend left me for a cute guy he fell in love with; and I have to have my dog Mitzi put to sleep in a few days. I hate goodbyes and I can’t say goodbye to Julie.”
So many layers of overwhelming, heart-rending loss for Rosa. It would be easy to say “Sure, go out for coffee with Julie and stay connected.” Snap your fingers; you’re both at Starbucks and voilá—no more suffering.
Yet I also knew there can be hidden gems waiting to be revealed within endings. Quick fixes can short-circuit the opportunity to learn that endings can also be healing.
When we dread goodbyes, we may desperately hold on—pleading, bargaining for more time, or creating a “pretend” ending. A pretend ending is one where we say goodbye but agree to contact each other in the future—a way to soften the sting of loss and create the illusion of ongoing relationship. It gives us the sense “it’s not REALLY over”.
Like “We’re divorced but she she still comes over for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and I walk her dog.” No real “goodbye” here!
While this kind of ending may temporarily buffer us from pain, it can cause more anguish for ourselves and others down the road. We miss the opportunity to truly let go and learn from death, from a “real” goodbye.
Respect and honor the ending that’s happening right here, right now. Allow it the grace, the truth of being over: with a spouse, sister, parent, child, friend.
If you found a sweet bird, and clutched it tight to your chest, could you see or hear it? Could it even breathe? But if you open and extend your hand outward, ahh—you can see the bird, hear it sing, let it stretch its wings. It may even choose to fly away.
It is a priceless gift to let each other go. And if you can, co-create a healing ending.
With Rosa, I suggested that she and her therapist Julie create a healing goodbye:
—acknowledge the reality and sadness of the impending mutual loss—Julie leaving the agency and Rosa losing her as a therapist.
—allow the emotions to arise and be freely felt—like grief, anger, sadness, and fear. Befriend sorrow like a crying child you would hold and comfort in your arms.
—share not only heartache but the love, joy and gratitude of having met and traveled for awhile on the sacred path of Life. Talk about what you learned and the gifts you received from each other that you will carry with you after you part.
—create a small ritual together, like painting a mandala, lighting a candle, crafting a beaded necklace or bracelet that you give each other, reading a poem, or sharing food. Ritual infuses the ending with beauty and spirit and honors the relationship.
Every day, everywhere around us, the world is pulsing with endings and new beginnings—the beautiful music of life. We’re resilient and have survived hundreds of “goodbye’s” in our lifetime; we intrinsically know how to move on. We can approach the portal of loss with reverence, honoring endings as a doorway to new and often unexpected people, places, and experiences that continuously enrich our “soil”, our soul, and help us to thrive and grow.
